Many times in my 20s, I heard people said: "follow your passion (then success will follow you)". Most of the time, I have been looking for what I am passionate about. I like studying so I chose grad school. However, to be honest, I picked chemistry not because that it was my only love. I love chemistry the same way as I love mathematics and physics (and literacy, music, movies and many other things). I went for chemistry just because I was good at it (I actually enjoyed mathematics more). Chemistry is harder than general mathematics for most people because in our country, chemistry is introduced only from grade 8. In addition, nobody needs chemistry to count their money. So, my younger self recognized that chemistry was a wider boulevard. (All of the rationales are actually the products of my current self, at that point I did think that love was the reason).
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"The job I love" becomes a cliche. Many people change job often or feel bored at work because they don't have the "right job". As many young people, I sometimes feel scared of not having a passion. "If you don't stand for something you will fall for anything" was my way of thinking. Early in my Ph.D. there were moments that I thought I could just quit and open a bakery or a cafe. However, I did recognize the enormous work required for a start-up and my lack of entrepreneur skills, so I thought to myself: a Ph.D. was still much more enjoyable. It's less risky to do what you know than to start a new path from scratch.
It came clear to me after reading "Maximize Your Potential: Grow Your Expertise, Take Bold Risks & Build an Incredible Career" that passion is not something that preexists in my DNA, it's something that needs to be cultivated. It's a process of building skills and expertise and of constantly improving. How to know where is the place that we should build skills on? There is no straightforward answer. I guess, we should choose several paths until there is one we feel right.
As my Ph.D. journey is coming to a finish line, I have been thinking a lot about my future career. My next step is crucial for my next 30-40 years. I have an important decision to make. As the results, I feel scared and overwhelmed. It really feels like there is an unlimited number of choices and possibilities. However, we are restrained by our experiences and knowledge. Choices, therefore, are not unlimited. However, I still don't know what is the best.
Uncertainty is a huge source of depression. I very much want to control my future, to know the exact steps I have to take. That gets me to the paradox of control: try to control everything leads to loosing control. Sounds like a headache.
It's a funny situation when you don't know which path to go, yet, need to make the move. We are living in a world that staying in status quo is not even an option. What can we do? After watching many self help videos, I decided to take it easier on myself. I let myself try hard on what I can do and to feel ok to make mistakes. A choice always comes with risks. If there is an array of options, each of them has pros and cons. The hard part of making decision is the scare of a permanent bad situation. If it turns out to be a wrong choice, we can't even change it. Sometimes, it's the case. Sometimes, a wrong path will lead to a severe, unrecoverable damage. Other times, it's not. The world is spinning so fast that many things can't be permanent or constant even when we desperately want it to be. As we can't control what hasn't come, allowing ourselves to make mistakes, to heal and to move on makes life sound a bit easier. Knowing that our frontal lobes are still developing even in the early 30s reminds us that there are still many chances in life.
Edmonton, 03/09/2023 (repost)
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